Pros and Cons of Hosting the Oscars

- SO THE OTHER DAY, I TOLD YOU
WHAT I DID OVER THE SUMMER, AND I FORGOT
TO MENTION SOMETHING. PRETTY IMPORTANT, PRETTY BIG. I CAN DESCRIBE IT IN ONE WORD:
"OSCAR." [Cheers and applause] MY NEIGHBOR OSCAR
FINALLY GOT HIS BRACES OFF. HE HAS PERFECT TEETH, SO HE ONLY HAS TO WEAR
THE RETAINER FOR TWO YEARS, SO THAT'S GOOD.

AND IN ADDITION TO THAT,
I ACTUALLY AGREED. TO HOST THE ACADEMY AWARDS AGAIN
THIS YEAR. [Cheers and applause] SO... I HOSTED IN 2007.

IT WAS FUN.
IT WAS AN HONOR. AND IT'S A BIG DECISION,
YOU KNOW, AND I REALLY-- THEY CALLED AND SAID,
"HOW ABOUT IT THIS YEAR?" AND I WAS LIKE,
"UH, IT'S A BIG DECISION, AND I WANT TO THINK ABOUT IT." AND THE WAY I DEAL
WITH BIG DECISIONS IS-- I THINK A LOT OF PEOPLE
DO THIS-- I MAKE A PROS AND CONS LIST. AND I THOUGHT I WOULD TAKE YOU
ON A JOURNEY INSIDE OF MY MIND, WHICH IS SCARY. HOLD ON.

AND I THOUGHT I'D READ YOU
SOME PROS AND CONS. FROM MY LIST THAT I... SO, UM, THIS IS MY CVS RECEIPT. THIS IS NOT...

THAT'S--SORRY. I KEEP THAT WITH ME IN CASE
I HAVE TO RETURN ANYTHING. AT ALL TIMES-- EVEN WHEN I DO A SHOW,
I ALWAYS HAVE IT WITH ME. NO, IT'S IN MY SOCK.

THAT'S WHERE I KEEP
MY PROS AND CONS LISTS. NOW I'M GONNA HAVE TO CHANGE
MY HIDING PLACE BECAUSE... OKAY, SO HERE'S A PRO. I GET TO PERFORM IN FRONT
OF 60 MILLION PEOPLE.

[Cheers and applause] CON: OH, MY GOD, 60 MILLION
PEOPLE WATCH THAT THING. PRO: I'LL BE INVITED TO ALL
THE COOL OSCAR AFTER PARTIES. YUP. [Cheers and applause] CON: I LIKE TO BE TUCKED IN
BY 7:30.

PRO: MERYL STREEP COULD GET
A RECORD 17TH OSCAR NOMINATION. [Cheers and applause] CON: \#WEREOVERITMERYL. PRO: A LOT OF FANCY DESIGNERS
WILL WANT TO APPROACH ME. AND WANT ME TO WEAR A BEAUTIFUL,
EXPENSIVE GOWN OF THEIRS.

CON: AIN'T NO WAY IN HELL
I'M WEARING A GOWN. [Cheers and applause] PRO: I'VE DONE IT BEFORE. THE SECOND TIME
SHOULD BE EVEN BETTER. CON: MY SECOND SITCOM
GOT CANCELED AFTER FIVE MINUTES.

PRO: IF I'M ONSTAGE HOSTING, I WON'T BE SITTING ON MY COUCH
DRINKING MARGARITAS. CON: IF I'M ONSTAGE HOSTING, I WON'T BE SITTING ON MY COUCH
DRINKING MARGARITAS. PRO: THE THEATER HOLDS
3,000 SEATS. CON: IT'S GONNA TAKE 45 MINUTES.

TO DANCE THROUGH
ALL THOSE AISLES. WHICH IS CRAZY 'CAUSE LOOK HOW-- IT DOESN'T TAKE ME THAT LONG
TO DANCE THROUGH HERE..